静琪

全据路边社报道：

（电话接通，嘟——嘟——）

老川：Hello hello！My dearest friend! What a glorious moment! The whole world must be jealous that I'm talking to you right now.

大大：嗨呀，这不是老川爷？您声音一响，举世惊动。我这茶盖子都震得咣当直响。

老川：Of course! Everybody says I have the best voice, a legendary voice. Opera singers envy me. Luciano Pavarotti? Nothing compared to me! Even Beethoven, if he could rise from the grave, would say: "Trump, your voice is greater than my entire Ninth Symphony!"

大大：嗓门大，不等于交响乐，倒更像是庙会里那口铜锣，咣咣乱响。

老川：The Chinese gong! Loud, clear, unforgettable! Like me. That's branding, my friend. Tremendous branding. Anyway, let's get down to business—TikTok! I want it, I'll take it, and I'll make it great again.

大大：买卖得讲个和气生财。川总要是真心买，就得拿点儿诚意出来。

老川：Faith? Nobody has greater faith than I do. Churches love me. Priests love me. God probably loves me the most. So here's my magnificent offer: 1.3 billion yuan (RMB). Best number, trust me.

大大（差点呛到茶）：您这是开玩笑呢？给十三亿人每人一块钱，合起来买TikTok？美国人还出人民币？这算盘珠子拨得…啪啪响啊。

老川：I never joke about business. Ask Wall Street—they worship me. So, take the deal. It's world-class, historic, better than any deal in history.

大大：咱中国有句老话，童叟无欺。公平交易才是真买卖。

老川：That's exactly what I'm doing. Look, nobody is fairer than I'm. Even the scales of justice tend to lean in my direction. That's how fair I'm. So, again, win-win. Say yes, my friend!

大大：川总，您这话直得能撑天棚了。

老川：Thank you! I love tall, straight, beautiful poles. I build them higher, stronger, better. Everyone says so.

大大（忍不住笑）：您这夸法，听来像是明着捧，暗地儿挖坑。

老川：No no no, never! I'm the most honest man alive. If honesty were money, I'd be richer than I already am—which is very, very rich.

大大：哈哈，这“最老实的人”，怕是城隍庙里都找不出第二个。沒听过少林寺释永信吧？

老川：Wait—I must have missed something. You're cracking Chinese jokes, aren't you? My interpreter insists there's no real word for humor in Chinese, but if there were, it would be your name. Even Mark Twain would beg to be your apprentice! By the way, I used to run the biggest, hottest TV show called "Apprentice" in case you missed it, which you shouldn't. 

大大：咱只看《纸牌屋》。言归正传，您不是总说要禁TikTok么？年轻人恐怕会在白宫门口排队跳“海草舞”的，您可咋弄啊？

老川：That would be fantastic! Millions dancing for me. I'll go viral instantly. Everybody, even Fed Chairman Powell, will dance to YMCA. Maybe you too? Come join us, my friend! You'll be trending in one second.

大大（声音忽远忽近）：川总，早劝您在白宫装设华为啦。听到我么？咳咳……现在好点了。咱说，TikTok是文化商品，不是兵器。买卖归买卖，别弄得像打仗似的。

老川：War? Did you just say war? You know I'm the best at war. Nobody does war like me. I make war… great again! Trade war, culture war, dance war—you name it. I always win. God is so good!

大大：川总，何必曰战？亦曰和平而已矣。和平双赢，战争两败。大家都懂这个道理。您不是还说要收N万个中国学生么？那是慧眼识英雄啊。容闳您听说过吧？留美第一人…

老川（打断）：Focus, focus! I'm a global dealmaker, not your Minister of Culture. TikTok is the topic. Stick with me, my friend.

大大：川总啊，买卖急不得，来日方长。您不是早给TikTok延期过两次了？再拖一拖，谁也不吃亏。

老川：Wrong. Totally wrong. Time is money, and nobody knows money like I do. It's crunch time, big league. Either deal today, or watch me make an even better deal tomorrow—with or without you.

大大（心里暗嘀咕）：这老川，真是能吹又敢吹，叫板也不怕闪了舌头。

老川（自顾自笑）：I hear you, my friend. You're thinking: "Trump is too strong, too smart, too handsome." Don't worry, I get that all the time. Even my mirror agrees every morning.

大大：……

（电话那头沉寂起来，只馀茶盏轻碰的声音。）

老川（声量适中，像在电视直播）：Ladies and gentlemen, once again, I've won. Nobody negotiates like Trump. TikTok will thank me. China will thank me. The world will thank me. Long live MAGA! 

（路边社报道到此为止。）

厉害国社媒热搜：

小红书粤语小课堂

今日热词："讲嚟讲去得个桔"

粤語直譯：講到最後，祇剩一個橘子。

真正意思：白讲、空谈，热闹一大圈。

On U.S. social media, supporters frame it as progress and protection, while critics see TikTok as the fish caught on dry land, gasping stylishly.