贾舟子

我是吐槽小王。今天咱们不讲情怀、不谈理想，就来聊聊川普政府的新把戏——裁员大戏，真是让人笑出腹肌！

话说，美国那些原本专门忙着防止俄罗斯、中国、伊朗这帮“外星势力”混进来捣乱的官员，突然一个个被“请喝茶”似的，统统裁了。这不，川普政府一声令下，把联邦调查局那几个曾经专门针对外国选举干预的精英调来调去，又把国土安全部那帮网络安全的人员统统给“请”下台。哎呦，这操作堪比在飓风季节前把国家海洋和大气管理局关门歇业，搞得亚利桑那州那位州务卿都直呼：“选举安全哪去了？”

你看看，原本在去年选举期间，那些团队还忙得不可开交，追踪外国势力、揭露假信息，弄得满世界都是“俄罗斯拍的视频”和“中国拍的剧照”，结果现在被裁员得七零八落。川普政府宣称：打击错误信息、捍卫言论自由，两手抓两手都硬，顺便让那些天天忙着“审查”的人休个长假。国土安全部副部长还笑眯眯地说，“我们正在评估这些工作”，结果呢，评估期间，那些负责的员工直接被“行政休假”，真是评估评到家了！

更搞笑的是，司法部长邦迪亲自出马，2月5日一声令下，把那支成立在2016年选举后专门对付俄罗斯干预的特别工作组给撤了，数十个官员的岗位随即“洗牌”，好似在换牌局，暗示大家：“今天不拍，明天再拍！”而国会山早在川普重返白宫前，就把国务院那个著名的全球参与中心给提前关门，大批125人的团队直接分崩离析，个个都成了职场失意者。

而共和党内部也不是没意见，有人直呼：这分明是在给外国敌人打开后门，搞得美国民主脆弱得跟纸糊的一样。专家警告说，削减这些防御措施，就好像在选举前夕给外国势力办VIP通道。副总统JD·万斯甚至嚷嚷：“如果你的民主能被几十万美元的数字广告摧毁，那本来就不叫民主！”这话听着真是既狠又真。

更有意思的是，川普政府打着“捍卫言论自由”的幌子，把“虚假信息”这词都给禁了，国务院那帮小伙伴们还被告知：备忘录里千万别再用这词了。是不是觉得，这操作就像给词典做删改版，专门删除那些不合时宜的词条？

总之，川普这波操作，明摆着是要用“裁员大法”来重新塑造一个人人喊“我就喜欢听我自己的声音”的美国政府。昔日那些辛苦防守选举安全的团队，现在一个个成了“消失的员工”，连谷歌、Meta那些技术大拿也开始愁眉苦脸，唉，原来与政府定期交流、联手抵制外敌，竟然也要遭到这种“自家内讧”！

你说，这美国的民主，真是从前那个分权制衡的模范，到如今满大街都是“审查产业综合体”的影子。难怪有人说：如果你的国家连防御外敌都能这么轻易关门大吉，那民主也只能是个笑话了！

好了，各位，这就是今天的“川普裁员奇谈”，笑中有泪，泪中带笑。感谢大家收看《脱口秀大杂烩》，咱们下回再见，别忘了给你的“防御团队”点个赞哦！

英语版：

Here's a version of the stand-up comedy in English: --- Hey everyone, welcome to the "Stand-Up Hotpot" — I’m your sarcastic host. Today, we’re not talking about dreams or ideals, but about Trump’s new drama—The Layoff Spectacle. It’s so ridiculous, it’ll have you laughing in the belly and also help those "anti-foreign influence" folks shed a few pounds! So here’s the deal: The U.S. had a bunch of officials who were busy fighting foreign meddling in elections, tracking Russian, Chinese, and Iranian activities online during last year’s election. But suddenly, Trump’s government decided to “reshuffle the deck,” and bam—fired or reassigned pretty much all of them. FBI agents working to prevent foreign interference? Gone. Cybersecurity specialists from the Department of Homeland Security? Ousted. Heck, it’s like someone turning off the hurricane warning system just before the storm hits. Arizona’s secretary of state even told Trump, "This is like closing NOAA before hurricane season!" These teams had been working overtime, unveiling fake info, exposing Russian-made videos and Chinese-produced photos during the last election. But now? They’ve been axed, like some sort of office version of musical chairs, with everyone just left standing there. Trump’s administration said it's doing this to fight misinformation and protect free speech, and while they're “evaluating” this stuff, they’ve sent the officials responsible on “administrative leave.” Easy evaluation, right? Then, out of nowhere, Trump’s Attorney General Pam Bondi steps in, and with one swift decree on February 5, dissolves the special task force formed after Russia meddled in the 2016 election. On top of that? Dozens of agents? Their jobs thrown into utter chaos. It’s like a reality TV show where you're not sure if you're getting voted off or promoted. And the GOP? They've been onto this for a while. Even before Trump returned to the White House, they had already shut down the State Department’s Global Engagement Center, the top agency taking on Russian and Chinese propaganda. Boom—125 employees just scattered to the winds. Internally, Republicans are starting to sound the alarm. Some are like, "Wait, are we just opening the door for foreign spies?!" Experts are warning that slashing these measures is like setting up VIP lanes for foreign insiders who want to mess with U.S. democracy. And then there's Vice President JD Vance, who quipped, “If your democracy can be destroyed by a few million dollars worth of digital ads, then it wasn't much of a democracy to begin with!” Oh, and get this — in the midst of all these layoffs, the word “misinformation” has been essentially banned. A memo instructed officials at the State Department: "DO NOT use the term 'misinformation'." If you didn’t know better, you’d think they were editing the dictionary to remove unpopular words. So yeah, Trump’s whole move is to redesign the government into a place where everyone’s shouting, "I love hearing my own voice," and protecting their own version of "freedom." Once upon a time, there were teams working tirelessly to protect election integrity. Now, those teams are just... gone. Even tech giants like Google and Meta, who had previously worked on moderating foreign interference, are now scratching their heads. It turns out—if you’re a tech expert working with the government, sometimes you end up on the wrong side of the political game! Bottom line: We were once proud of how the U.S. balanced power and kept democracy in check, but now? We’re sliding straight into "banning speech" and "shutting down surveillance" territory. No wonder people are saying, “If your country can’t even defend against foreign meddling, what kind of democracy do you really have?” Alright folks, that’s today's comedy: Trump’s Layoff Extravaganza. Laughter with a side of tears, and tears with a dash of giggles. Thanks for tuning in to "Stand-Up Hotpot," and don’t forget to hit that like button for your "Defense Team!" See you next time! --- Hope you enjoyed it—see you later, folks! for 38 seconds

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to tonight’s edition of “Political Circus Live”—the only show where the punchlines are as explosive as the policies. I’m your host, and tonight we’re diving into Trump’s latest magic trick: downsizing his very own defense squad against foreign meddling. Yes, you heard it right—the same folks who were supposed to be tracking Russian trolls, Chinese propaganda, and Iranian “influencers” are now getting the corporate boot. It’s like canceling your home security because you think burglars are just misunderstood interior decorators!

Picture this: In a move straight out of a bad reality TV script, the Trump administration has been busy reshuffling the government. The FBI’s special task force—born out of the 2016 debacle to stop Russian interference—was axed on February 5th by none other than Justice Dept. Pam Bondi. Dozens of agents got shuffled around like a deck of cards at a Las Vegas blackjack table. And not to be outdone, the Department of Homeland Security’s Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency decided to let go of a whole bunch of staff. They even yanked down their “Rumors and Truth” page from the website—because apparently, when the going gets tough, the tough delete their own instruction manual!

An Arizona official compared this move to shutting down NOAA right before hurricane season. Now, if that doesn’t scream “we’re inviting chaos,” I don’t know what does. Meanwhile, Trump and his crew are insisting that these cuts are all about defending free speech. Yes, free speech—the kind that apparently can’t include pesky government fact-checkers. Vice President JD Vance even quipped, “If your democracy can be undermined by a few hundred thousand dollars in digital ads, maybe it wasn’t that robust to begin with.” Ouch, JD, that’s a burn hotter than a midsummer wildfire!

But here’s the twist, folks: This isn’t a series of random budget cuts—it’s part of a grand “2025 Plan” to repackage the federal government. The State Department’s Global Engagement Center, once the poster child for battling Russian and Chinese propaganda, got closed even before Trump made his triumphant return. Its 125 employees? Either reassigned, resigned, or left high and dry without renewals. It’s as if Trump’s team is playing a giant game of musical chairs, and every time the music stops, someone’s left standing with a “You’re fired!” card.

Republican critics are warning that this isn’t just restructuring—it’s like giving our enemies a VIP pass to dismantle our electoral security. Experts say these cuts might turn our once-resilient democracy into a playground for foreign influence. Meanwhile, the same folks who once railed against “fake news” now claim they’re defending free speech by eliminating the very teams that once exposed it. It’s the ultimate political oxymoron—a government that protects free speech by silencing its watchdogs. Talk about using a leaky bucket to carry water!

So, tonight’s takeaway is as clear as it is absurd: In a twist that only American politics can deliver, our proud tradition of checks and balances is being reshaped into Trump’s personal reality show, where every fired official adds another episode to the saga of the “censorship industrial complex” he’s so determined to dismantle. Is this a stroke of genius or a catastrophic miscalculation? Well, in the theater of American politics, sometimes you laugh—and sometimes you cry.

That’s all for tonight on “Political Circus Live.” Thanks for joining me on this wild ride. Remember, in the land of political theater, the best defense is a good sense of humor. See you next time, and keep your eyes peeled—because in today’s world, even democracy needs a reality check!