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政治幽默-里根 zt
送交者:  2016年03月12日10:25:44 于 [世界时事论坛] 发送悄悄话

芹泥

写古希腊戏剧中政治幽默时,希望写一下西方政治家一脉相承的幽默传统,后来写完丘吉尔之后就有些疲惫了,便将计划中的里根以及老罗斯福给砍掉了,一如既往地实现了我虎头蛇尾的大将作风(漫话虎头蛇尾)。前几日,南希里根去世,艺萌博放置了里根总统的幽默片段,一下又将我的兴致挑起,于是便有了这样一个《政治幽默续-里根-老罗斯福》。

我发现美国很多特别右特别有个性也特别幽默的总统,总是干的很不赖。他们说话幽默,行事也很幽默。总是在各种境遇中,让幽默适时得挤进来,发挥奇幻的润滑作用,让媒体尤其是幽默大报小报大赚金钱,更让大众嘻嘻哈哈哈哈地一路追随。美国总统的幽默当然不是下里巴人的政治幽默,而是舍身自己娱乐大家的阳春白雪的幽默。

先讲讲里根。里根其实早期是民主党人,但后来几乎是一夜之间彻底背离民主党,加入共和党。 成为坚决的保守派和反共义士,并在当任总统期间,彻底的结束冷战,瓦解了欧洲固立半个世纪的共产主义阵营,(可惜,没有全面瓦解,还留下几个疥癣之患),美国真正成为鹤立鸡群的老大。

他三次竞选共和党总统候选人,前两次以失败告终,但第三次,赢得总统之职。 1976-80年,民主党卡特当任总统期间,把美国经济搞的一塌糊涂,‘成就’了三十年代大萧条之后最糟糕的经济危机。 他的政府机构庞大,带有杀富济贫意味的高税收,高福利,养了一大堆只顾生孩子、吃福利的懒虫,使得工作的人比不工作的人还要贫穷,实质上是鼓励人们懒惰,某种意义上,美国大量贫穷人的基数就是从那个时候积累下来的,很多社会隐患和底层问题也因此产生,美国人不再朝气蓬勃,不再充满创造力,不再抱有梦想, 所以说,卡特总统成为历史最差的总统之一的确是当之无愧。

里根竞选总统期间,在演说中有一段很著名的话:“In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problems; government is the problem.”

里根抨击卡特政府时也不失幽默“衰退的定义是你的邻居没有工作,萧条的定义是你自己没有工作,复苏的定义是卡特没有工作。”lol。

他的竞选演说没有那么多乱七八糟不着边际的劳什子许诺,他的理念非常明确,就两条,减少政府控制,减少税收。“我要减少政府开销的增长,降低所得税和资本利得税,减少政府对经济的调控与控制货币供应量,减少通货膨胀。”。里根任期内有了美国历史上为期最久的经济扩张,美国恢复了从前的伟大和自信。Reagan, who announced it was “morning again in America,” 

他抨击民主党的理念和政治作为,有人就问了,“你说民主党这问题那问题,你说说你自己有什么问题”,他说:“哦,我当然有问题,我的问题是,我也曾是民主党一员”。(芹泥注: 归根结底还是民主党的问题,lol)

里根上任之后不久遭到一个精神病患者的行刺,这位老人家就有那个本事,楞是把这个悲哀和恐慌事件转化为一个funny的事件,带领全国人民一起娱乐消费他自己。除了那句醒来后对南希说的著名的 Honey, I forgot to duck”,之间,他把医院当作好莱坞的摄影棚, 在医生、护士以及他的同僚面前,半昏迷半清醒地演绎了他高超的另类喜剧,将他在好莱坞的表演提高了非常多的档次。 如果说在好莱坞他是三流演员,而在总统这个舞台,他是最为高明的明星。 时代周刊曾将里根总统在医院期间的俏皮话记录下来,题为:“Moment of Madness”, 总统的幽默让美国人民至今津津乐道。

reagan1.jpg

> To surgeons, as he entered the operating room: “Please tell me you’re Republicans.”   (芹泥注: 那个医生本来是民主党,却配合着总统说,‘是,这里全部都是共和党’,里根才安然让他们做手术。里根在这里像孩子似的任性的幽默着, 医生像哄孩子一样哄他们的总统赶紧手术。太过奇妙的怪异手术室,幽默电光像摄影棚的闪光灯,光波直射全美,跨越时代)

> In a written note, upon coming out of anesthesia in the recovery room (paraphrasing Comedian W.C. Fields): “All in all, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”

> In another note, recalling a Winston Churchill observation: “There’s no more exhilarating feeling than being shot at without result.”  芹泥注: 把自己遇刺这个倒霉事看作一个非常hilarious的事情,这也就是美国总统能做到,  这也就是里根能做到。人家还有充分的理由呐,为什么? 没有后果嘛。 看到这里,我脑子里好像有个小孩很得意地说“你没打到我”

> In a third note: “Send me to L.A., where I can see the air I’m breathing.”

> In yet another note written while surrounded by medical staff: “If I had this much attention in Hollywood, I’d have stayed there.”  (注: 哈哈,我觉得,他在好莱坞应该是喜剧的编剧加导演加演员,可能成功性和关注力会更大一些。当然,历史证明,还是总统这个舞台更适合他 )

> Complimented by a doctor for being a good patient: “I have to be. My father-in-law is a doctor.”  (芹泥注:特别听话,赞一个。).

> To an attentive nurse: “Does Nancy know about us?”  (芹泥注: 说得和真的一样.)

> To a nurse who told him to “keep up the good work” of his recovery: “You mean this may happen several more times?”  芹泥注: 再来几次可以写成sitcom serial。 题目为,里根总统的几次喜剧遇刺。这样,不仅仅可以拿总统找乐,也可以拿总统的保镖找乐,水平也太高了。 这让我想起来我一个老美朋友,她的丈夫曾经是里根的security  agent. 可惜,当时并不那么想了解里根,所以,也没想起着打听一些小道消息。

> To Daughter Maureen: The attempted assassination “ruined one of my best suits.” ( 芹泥注:他在暗示女儿,赶紧给老爸去买一打suits。)

> Greeting White House aides the morning after surgery: “Hi, fellas. I knew it would be too much to hope that we could skip a staff meeting.” (芹泥注: 多敬业的老板)。

> When told by Aide Lyn Nofziger that the Government was running normally: “What makes you think I’d be happy about that?”   (芹泥注: 就是,地球离了我,应该不转才对)

>When I go in for a physical now, they no longer ask me how old I am, they just carbon-date me (芹泥注,特任性地拿自己的年龄开涮,谁让他是最老的美国总统呐?)

    不仅仅Timer是里根的admirer,  好莱坞也是一样,那年的奥斯卡正好在总统遇刺的第二天,司仪开玩笑说,我想给总统电话让里根帮着把讲话稿搞定。里根那种非常charming的幽默实在是给他争取了非常多的支持。

    里根连任竞选期间,有人拿他的年龄太大来质疑他能否适宜这份工作,他妙语相对“我不会以我的年纪来作为选战的议题。我不会以此作为政治目的,来彰显我对手的年幼和缺乏经验”。 他对总统这个职业和丘吉尔的观念异曲同工,“如果成功了将会获得许多奖励,如果可耻的失败了,可以出一本书”.

右派在西方是保守派的代名词, 他们有两个特点, 第一是崇尚小政府,第二就是强烈反共。里根一上任之后,大量减税,大量减少政府开支,但却大量增加军费,因为苏联的核武器对美国有非常大的威胁,长期以来,美国在和共产苏联的对抗中一直采取比较温和的态度,苏联共产阵营却十分强硬,很多军事尖端技术处于领先地位。作为激烈的反共义士,里根star war 空间计划的实施,让苏联知道如果军事对抗,苏联只有彻底输掉这一条路。里根结束了冷战,最终使得欧洲共产阵营全面瓦解,在他离任后的91年,苏联解体。

In foreign affairs, Ronald Reagan’s first term in office was marked by a massive buildup of U.S. weapons and troops, as well as an escalation of the Cold War(1946-1991) with the Soviet Union, which the president dubbed “the evil empire.” Key to his administration’s foreign policy initiatives was the Reagan Doctrine, under which America provided aid to anticommunist movements in Africa, Asia and Latin America. In 1983, Reagan announced the Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI), a plan to develop space-based weapons to protect America from attacks by Soviet nuclear missiles.

空间计划打断了苏联经济脊梁骨,解救了欧洲共产国家,推到倒了柏林墙,彻底瓦解了共产阵营在地球上超过半个世纪的肆略。 但这些高大上的辉煌成就,还是掩盖不了里根式幽默这个大众娱乐话题,在对抗苏共中,里根的幽默被称为最高的幽默,因为它实际上是一种武器。这种武器旨在指出共产社会和美国社会的不同,但不是harsh edge. 这些幽默体现了里根对共产极权的反对态度,而对共产极权下的人民,他有着深切的同情心。幽默在里根总统心里,不仅仅是plain funny,可以缓减紧张气氛,它更是传播信息的有力工具。

总统的幽默段子有很多来源,有些是从著名的comedian, 有些是从CIA来的,有些是从10年前从苏联移民到美国后来成为talkshow的comedian来的,更有些从幽默的西班牙总理Felipe Gonzales来的,加上Timer的编辑,nightclub, 看看这来源,还真是丰富,从阳春白雪,到下里巴人, 灰常的集思广益。 据说,很长一段时间,白宫的工作人员常常会说:“have you heard this one? ”,然后开始幽默段子。 (感叹,这种工作环境真好,以后申请白宫的工作),谁不喜欢工作时cranking jokes? 对不?当然,活还是要干得漂亮哈。

好吧,放几个有名的幽默段子:

''You know I have a recent hobby,'' the President remarked in a speech on economic matters earlier this month. ''I have been collecting stories that I can tell, or prove are being told by the citizens of the Soviet Union among themselves, which display not only a sense of humor but their feeling about their system.''  (芹泥注: 这个hobby好玩,如果讨厌一个事物,也可以如法炮制,演绎一些幽默故事哈。建议在万维推广一下。)

* what are the four things wrong with Soviet agriculture? Spring, summer, winter and fall.

* What is the definition of a Communist? Someone who has read the works of Marx and Lenin. What is the definition of an anti-Communist? Someone who understands the works of Marx and Lenin。

*Two guards were patrolling at night and one of the guards told a man to halt, he started running and he shot him. The other guard asked, “why did you shoot him”, he replied: ”curfew”, “but curfew doesn’t start for another hour”, “that’s ok, he is my friend, I know he wouldn’t make it”

* Castro was making a speech to a large assembly. Someone out in the crowd said“ Peanuts popcorn crackerjack”. This happened about 4 times, so, Castro gets annoyed and says, the next man who says that gets deported to Miami. The entire crowd stands up and yells “POPCORN, PEANUTS, CRACKERJACK”

*Two Russians were walking down the street, one asked the other, “have you really achieved full communism?”. The other said: “oh, no, Things are about  a lot worse.”

*The Commisar came to the collective farms to see how the harvest was doing and asked a farmer and the farmer said: “Oh, comrade commissar! If we took all the potatoes, they would reach the foot of God。”, “Comrade  farmer, This is the soviet Union. There is no God”, “that’s  okey, there is no potatoes. ”

*A judge was laughing in his office over a jock he heard. The secretary asked “what’s so funny?”, he replied “I just heard the funniest joke ever.”, “what was it?”, “I can’t say. I just sentenced a man to death for telling it”

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